


Hold My Girl

by http_jungkook



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Fluff, Growing Up Together, LGBTQ Themes, Military Families, Non-Idol AU, bisexual taeyong, characters and tags to be updated as story progresses, i'm sorry i made dream boys bullies, younger brother mark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-04-23 07:53:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14327991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/http_jungkook/pseuds/http_jungkook
Summary: Cold nights, and the Sunday mornings,On your way, and out of the grey...Growing up in the military communities hasn't been easy, but at least you've had someone close by to keep you safe.





	1. Chapter 1

 When the moving truck turned down your street, you were in your bedroom playing with Malibu Barbie. It was her birthday, and all of her friends - Jade and Yasmin the Bratz dolls, and Mark’s Action Man doll - had come to her birthday party to celebrate. There was tea, lemon cake, and a disco. A week earlier, your own birthday hadn’t been so successful. You were starting elementary school at the end of next month, and despite the fact you’d been friends all throughout preschool, none of the girls in your year were going to the same school in September. Their mothers seemed to use this reasoning to explain why they hadn’t been to visit for the past month, and why they were absent for your 4th birthday.

“Y/N. Go get some fresh air with your brother!”

Your mother’s voice orders you, and it’s as you gather your ‘friends’ that you finally notice the vehicle parked in the driveaway across from yours. Dropping them all, you clamber onto your bed, lean on your elbows and make binoculars with your hands.

“Please be a girl, please be a girl” you whisper to yourself. An adult carries a box, turns, and calls into the front cab. You squint, and a small figure hops out.

A boy.

Great.

Your hands drop, and you roll your eyes and loudly sigh. You return to your ‘friends’, and with gathered arms you trudge down the stairs and out the front door to the lawn, where Mark is sitting with your Barbie car and his Action Man helicopter. He beams at you, and you sit beside him on the blanket your mother has laid out.

 “You wanna play spies?” You ask, already laying out your friends.

 Mark nods, and reaches for Action Man. You pull him back.

 “Why do you get Action Man?”

 “He’s MY toy.”

 “But we have to share!”

 “Y/N. Give him the toy.” Your mom’s voice echoes from behind, as she walks over to you and sets down two juice cups. “You’ve got 4 toys. How many toys does that mean you each get to have?”

 You knit your eyebrows together. You give Action Man to Mark, and put Malibu Barbie next to you. You hold Jade and Yasmin in your hands, unable to work it out.

 “You get one more, and Mark gets one more. Get it?” She smiles at you, but this seems very unfair.

 “Why does Mark get my Bratz Dolls?!”

 “Because you each get 2 toys.”

 “They’re MINE though.”

 “Did you pay for them?” Her stern voice makes your bottom lip stick out. “Mark, do you want Yasmin or Jade?” She holds out the two dolls, and Mark reaches for the dark haired doll. You start to protest, but your mom looks at you with the same face she makes when you don’t eat your carrots, or when Mark asks when Dad is coming home. She passes you Yasmin, and turns back to go inside.

“Do you want the car or the helicopter?” Mark asks, looking up at you with big brown eyes, and you know he wants the helicopter. He always wants the helicopter.

“I’ll have the car please.” He smiles, and you sit your dolls in their seats.

“Have you seen there’s a new kid?”

“Yeah, another boy. Maybe he’ll hang out with you and your gang.”

“I’m not talking to those guys anymore…”

“Why not?” Mark was friends with every boy on the street. They were always on playdates, going to the park or the swimming pool, or having dinner at Jisung’s house.

“They were just being mean, is all.” He keeps his head down, and you know he’s not telling the whole story.

“What did they do that was mean?”

“They...they said my eyebrows looked like seagulls. They were all calling me ‘Seagull Boy’ and flapping their arms and chasing me.”

Your mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and Mark looks at you and puts his finger on his lips.

“No telling, okay? I don’t want to get them in trouble.” He holds out his pinky finger to cover your lips instead. “You have to promise.”

The idea of your baby brother being picked on creates a pit in your stomach, but you know he’d feel worse if you didn’t promise him this. You nod, and link your pinky with his. You wipe your mouth, and he smiles at you, not quite as brightly as he did when you first sat down.

“Okay, so...Action Man has to save Malibu Barbie from the EVIL Bratz Baddies, okay?”

 

-

 

“Y/N. Come down here!”

You bounce down the stairs, your yellow sundress fluttering around you with each step. Malibu Barbie's head clatters along the banister,announcing your arrival on the ground floor. You come into the living room, where your mom is stood with a basket of blueberry muffins and is holding Mark’s hand.

“We’re going to meet the new neighbours; you want to come?”

You didn’t. You wanted to go back upstairs and finish drawing Malibu Barbie’s dream house - the one with a walk-in wardrobe, a swimming pool and a ghost living in the attic. But you also wanted to eat one of those muffins, and you know from previous experiences that unless you go with her, you won’t be able to. Your hands smooth down your skirt, and you go to hold onto Mark’s free hand.

 

-

 

“It’s so nice to meet you!”

The woman opening the door has a friendly face, and long dark hair tied up in a bun. She’s wearing a long orange skirt with a beige blouse, and reaches out to shake your mom’s hand before squatting down so she’s eye level with you and Mark.

“What’re your names?”

Mark’s hand tightens around yours. He never was very good at making new friends; he was only really chatty once he knew people.

“This is Mark.” You speak up. “And I’m Y/N.”

“Well it’s very nice to see you both. How old are you guys?”

“I’m 4, and Mark is nearly 3.”

“Oh wow! So big! My boy Taeyong is 4 as well. Maybe you three can play together sometime?”

You look down at Mark, and he looks back up at you. You nod at each other, and then at the lady.

“That’s wonderful!” She stands up, wobbling slightly as she rises. “I’ll go fetch him. Maybe you can play in the garden and I’ll grab your mom some lemonade, and we can have one of these beautiful muffins!”

You eye up the muffins, and watch as she takes the basket and goes inside her house. Mark tugs on you, and you two go out into the garden while your mom follows into the house. You’re sitting, wondering what sort of toys this boy has that might play with yours, when the woman reappears, with a hand tightly bunching the orange fabric. She walks over to the table on the porch, pitcher in one hand, muffins in the other. Your mother has glasses and plates, and puts them on the table, before sitting on one of the wooden chairs. The woman reaches down to the little boy, hands him a stack of plates, and puts three muffins on it. She points to you, and the boy shakes his head, grasping the ceramic tightly so as not to drop it. A vigorous nod meant for encouragement, and she rotates her son, before lightly patting him on the back to prompt movement.

Cautiously carrying the plate, he makes his way over to you and your brother, who currently has your Barbie's hand in his mouth.

“Mark!” You snatch the doll, and Mark pouts, but rather than his usual wails that would follow, he turns to look at the newest arrival. “Sorry about him, he's only 2. How old are you?”

The boy mumbles, and you can't quite make him out. You crane your neck towards him and cup your ear, to hear better.

“I’m 4.”

“Me too! My birthday was almost two weeks ago, when’s yours?”

“July 1st.” He still doesn’t make eye contact, instead squatting and laying each plate out carefully on the grass and placing a muffin on each plate.

“Oh wow! So you’re older than me, but only by a little bit!”

He nods, and holds out the offering to Mark. A bright smile is shot his way, and he giggles a little. He does the same for you, and you stare at him.

“You don’t talk much. What’s your name?”

“Taeyong.”

“Tyong!” Mark yells, and claps his hands.

“No Mark, TAE-yong.” You over-enunciate, but Mark just laughs along. Taeyong joins him, and you roll your eyes. “Oh great, more boy silliness.”

You sit down, lay your ‘friend’ between you and Mark, and grab the muffin with two hands. Taeyong and Mark start talking about what toys they have, and you realise this is going to be a long, boring summer. Once you’ve finished your muffin, stand up to go and see your mom. You want to go home, and draw Malibu Barbie’s wedding. Her and Action Man separated recently because he was a really bad spy and stopped saving her, so next time you think it’d be better if she married one of the Bratz Baddies instead. Then, they can team up and fight Action Man together.

When you use this reasoning to your mother, she just laughs and puts a hand on your cheek.

“Don’t be silly, Y/N. Here, have another muffin.” She gives you another cake, and you sit on the porch and watch as the two boys sit and talk some more.

“Oh look! Mark’s friends are there! Now Taeyong can hang out with all of their little group; oh, they are lovely boys.”

Your mother keeps talking to Taeyong’s, but you stop listening when you watch Jisung, Jaemin and Haechan stand over Mark. You wipe your hands on your skirt to get rid of the crumbs, and dart over just as you hear the boys start chanting.

“Seagull boy! Seagull boy!”

“Shut up!” Mark’s voice wobbles, and you can see tears forming in his eyes.

“Leave him alone, dummies!” You stand in front of him, your hands balled into little fists.

“Seagull Girl is saving Seagull Boy!” Jisung points at you and laughs. “And look, he’s been playing with Barbies!”

You gawk at him as he bends over and picks up Malibu Barbie, who’d been sat next to Mark this whole time.

“Give her back, she’s mine!” You jump to get her, but he throws it to Jaemin.

“Over here, Na Na!” Haechan calls out, and the doll flies again, with you never quite fast enough to reach her before the next boy holds her out of your grasp.

“Someone catch!” Haechan throws the doll, and it falls just behind Taeyong.

He runs to pick her up, and turns to face the crowd. You bite your lip, Mark grabbing onto the bottom of your skirt.

“Please, Tyongie.” He whispers, and you scrunch your face up to show you mean business. If he doesn’t give her back _right now,_ you’re going to have to get mom involved, and you know Mark doesn’t want that.

“Hey; new kid! Pass the doll.”

Taeyong walks past you, over to Jisung, and the rest of his group quickly huddle around. Jisung reaches out one hand, and smiles up at Taeyong, who’s face remains blank as he stares down at your ‘friend’.

There’s no time to protest, before the ‘SMACK’ sound resonates across the front lawn. Malibu Barbie knocks off of Jisung’s head, and almost immediately after there’s a wail. Jaemin and Haechan stare, mouths wide and eyes unbelieving, and you accidentally let out a giggle.

“I’m t-t-t-telling my m-m-mama!” Jisung can’t control himself, words stuttering between sobs. He’s fast to turn and run, with his friends following behind. Taeyong doesn’t turn to face you, instead his gaze is fixated on the doll in his hand. You step around to face him, and see tears running down his cheeks in a silent sob.

“Taeyong, what’s wrong?” You whisper his name, and this finally causes his head to rise.

“I’m really sorry…I didn’t mean to hurt her.” You look down, and Malibu Barbie’s right hand has snapped clean off, revealing the hollow plastic that makes up her arm.

“Don’t be silly! You were great!” You take her from him, and stroke her hair down. Honestly, you were upset your friend had been used as a weapon, and had taken the biggest injury out of anyone, but then you remember Jisung’s crying face and smile a little.

“We’ll just have to play doctor and fix her, it’s okay.” You reach out and pat his face, you palm bouncing off his round cheeks. “Mark, say thank you to Taeyong for beating up the stupid boys.”

Mark tugs on your skirt to stand up, wipes his face with the back of his hand, and sniffs hard.

“Thanks, Tyongie.” He hugs him, his head resting just below Taeyong’s chin. “I’ll go ask mom if we can go get the first aid kid to play doctor!” He waddles away, tripping once before quickly pushing himself up and off again.

“What’s your name?”

You realise you’d never actually told him, so stick out your hand to him.

“Y/N.” He stares at the hand a moment, then reaches out to shake it.

“Well, Y/N. Can we be friends now?”

“Promise to keep beating up bullies for me and Mark?”

“Promise.”

You let go, and smile at him.

“Then yep, we can definitely be friends.”


	2. Chapter 2

There’s a knock at the door, and you jump out of your seat and run to answer it. Swinging the door open, you see Taeyong stood in your porch, tie undone and hair ragged. 

“Is that Taeyong?” Your mother calls through. “Invite him in, I’m still sorting out your lunches.”

“You’re gonna have to learn to tie your own tie at some point, dude.” You both walk into the kitchen, where your mom is cutting sandwiches in half and stuffing them into paper bags with your names written on.

“I know, but for now I get all the help I need.” He smirks at you, and sits at your table. “Hi, Ms Lee.”

“Hi sweetie, I’ll be a couple of minutes then we can get going. Your mom already headed out?”

“About half an hour ago. They needed her on base ASAP; some issue with a shipment out to the camps.”

“She works so hard, I don’t know how she does it. Have you got lunch?”

“She gave me a couple of dollars for the canteen.”

“Oh, you don’t want that - mass produced grime. Not suitable for a growing boy, I’ll tell you that. I’ve got chicken or cheese, what do you prefer?” Your mom is reaching for more bread - every morning it’s the same, and you’re starting to wonder why she doesn’t just make Taeyong’s lunch when she does yours and Marks.

“Chicken please, Mrs Lee.”

She smiles, and you roll your eyes. Mark runs down stairs, backpack slung over one arm, toothpaste down his shirt.

“Y/N! I need you to tie my tie, please?”

“Ugh, do it yourself.”

“Y/N, help your brother please.” The authoritative tone tells you not to argue, so you take the tie from his hands and wrap it around your neck, tying it loose enough you can lift it over your head and straighten it up on your eager model. When you turn back to the table, Taeyong’s hand is outstretched, and you do the same again.

“See? All the help I need.”

“I wonder how the girls at school would feel if they knew you were this helpless.”

“Who cares what they think?”

“What do you mean, who cares? You can’t act like you don’t realise they’re all talking about you, like, ALL the time.”

“Let them talk, I’m not really bothered.”

“Oh, very mature.” Your mother finally seems ready, and you stand up, put the loophole around Taeyong’s neck, and get your coat. When you return, Taeyong’s hair is being smoothed out, and Mark is snooping in the bag with your name on it.

“Get off!” You snatch it, and Taeyong chuckles. The boys then reach for their lunches, and the three of you are ushered out of the house and into the car. You sit in the front seat, and the boys behind jabber on about Mark and his ‘girlfriends’. For a 9-year-old, the boy seems to way too much drama in his otherwise boring life.

The drive to Mark’s school takes you barely any time, and your middle school is a 5 minute walk from there, so you all get out of the car together. Your mom says she’ll pick you all up after school, and you part ways as you walk into school. Once you’re through the doors, Taeyong is surrounded by a group of his friends, and you quickly find a couple of the girls from your homeroom to walk with. You’re comparing notes with your friends when the teacher arrives, and the day begins to slowly pass you by.

 

-

 

“Have you heard from your dad recently?”

“Not for a week, but my mom isn’t worried. He’s always been bad at writing us, and refuses to start texting or video calling us or anything.”

You and Taeyong are outside Mark’s elementary school, sitting on a wall as you wait for his class to be dismissed. Children all file out of your school, with the occasional familiar face saying ‘goodbye’. You swing your legs, hands on top of your skirt to stop it wrinkling too much as you moved. Taeyong has loosened his tie, and is leaning back on his hands. You’ve used the 3 dollars his mom had given him to buy lollipops, and the blue is beginning to coat your tongue and lips.

“I’m glad my mom gets to stay in this country. She’s really good at her job; I heard her talking to someone on the phone about being contracted to stay in the house we’re in for at least another 5 years.”

“Lucky. I hope they don’t make us move again - our dad is always gonna be overseas, I don’t understand why that means we have to keep moving houses.”

The last time you’d moved house was when Mark had just been born. Your dad had been on annual leave for a month, so had been able to help move you guys across the country, but the stress had gotten to your mom. You’d only been young, but you remember a lot of yelling, and a couple of times you would come down in the morning to find your father laid on the sofa, still in the clothes he’d been wearing the night before. Ever since, he’d started splitting his leave - coming home 2 weeks every 6 months, rather than for one whole month. Most times, he’d go stay with your grandparents for a short while too, cutting his already brief visits even shorter. You’d stopped wondering if he would ever be home for good, often grateful for when he would go back to Afghanistan or Iraq, and leave your family to live their lives…

“Hi, Taeyong.” You’re brought out of your thoughts to see Sana stood in front of you, her hair split into pigtails, forefingers tapping each other as she smiled brightly at your friend.

“Hi Sana.”

“This is so stupid, but Mina wanted me to come over and ask you something.”

About 10 feet away, Mina and Daehyun were stood together, heads close together, eyes fixed on the boy sat beside you.

“Alright then.” Taeyong takes the lollipop out his mouth, and narrows his eyes at her. A hint of red touches her cheeks, and she looks down at her hands.

“Mina wants to know if you want to go to the cinema with her on Friday? There’s a new superhero film out that she thought might be cool.”

“Would it just be me and Mina?”

“Erm, yeah I think so.”

“Then why are you the one asking me? Why doesn’t Mina come and ask me herself?” The lollipop returns to his mouth, and you try to hide your smirk at his response.

“Erm, I guess she was just nervous. She worried you’d say no.”

“She’s right there - I’m gonna have to say no, sorry. But next time, it’d be nicer if she had more courage and asked me herself, you know?”

Sana stands with widen eyes, and it’s at this moment that Mark comes barreling over.

“Hey, no fair! Where’s my candy?” 

Taeyong holds out a cola flavoured pop for him, which he graciously accepts, before becoming aware of the unknown presence.

“Sorry, did I interrupt something?”

“Nope, we’re done here. Hey look, it’s your mom.” He looks beyond the girl in front of him, and sure enough your mom’s black 4 x 4 is pulling up along the curb. “See you around, Sana.”

He takes off towards the car, with you and your brother in tow. As you’re passing, a hand reaches out and grabs you.

“What’s his problem?”

“How am I meant to know?” You’re always the first person they ask when he rejects someone.

“Everyone knows you two are best friends - Mina is really nice, and really likes him. Can you try to convince him?” Another frequently asked question, getting the frequently used answer:

“If she’s so nice, why don’t you go out with her?”

You dash off to catch up, and slide into the front seat beside your mom. Taylor Swift is playing on the radio, and Mark starts singing along in the back.

“Is that a friend of yours?”

“Not really.” You watch Sana give Mina the bad news, and Daehyun and Sana wrap their arms around her. You roll your eyes, and answer your mother’s questions about the contents of your day.

 

-

 

“You’re bad news, Lee Taeyong.”

“What do you mean?”

You’re laying on Taeyong’s trampoline in his backyard. It’s March, and even though the sun has set you’re not quite cold enough to go inside yet. You don’t know when you’d started this little routine, but after dinner you would come over, not bothering to knock on the door to make your presence known. You’d walk around the back of his house, and you’d either be greeted by an already horizontal Taeyong, or you’d take your place under the stars and have to wait no more than 5 minutes before he’d spot you out his bedroom window and join you. 

“I mean, all the girls are starting to get mad at me because YOU won’t date any of them.”

“Well, they’ll be mad at me too, so that’s fine.”

“That’s the problem, Tyong. They AREN’T mad at you. You’re just this dreamy, hard to reach boy that is nice right up until they ask you out. I’M the horrible friend that won’t try and convince you to date them.”

“Well, why don’t you convince me then?”

“Please, we both know the last time I did that, it went terribly wrong.”

 

-

 

Her name was Jennie, and you were in your final year of elementary. Jennie had confided in you that she liked Taeyong, and truth be told they would have made a really good couple. Jennie didn’t want to confess to Taeyong until she knew how he felt, and had bribed you with a bag of jelly beans and a roll of Hubba Bubba gum to find out if he liked her. Goods safely hidden under your bed, you decided to bring her up one Saturday in April, when him and Mark had been playing in the garden. You had tried to be subtle, and asked about a couple of other girls in your class first, before finally settling on the main target of the conversation. Taeyong had shrugged, similarly to the response for the past 3 girls, but this time you weren’t having it.

“She’s really nice, you know? She gets the best grades in Math, and she speaks Spanish.”

“Cool...you want another Kool Aid, Mark?”

“Grape please!” 

Taeyong had stood up, and gone through to the kitchen, you following closely behind.

“I’m just saying, I think she’s a really great girl. There’s a rumour that she likes you, you know?”

Then Taeyong gave you the response that became your default setting for all future conversations of a similar nature.

“If she’s so great, why don’t you go out with her?”

You had spluttered a little, all the while Taeyong focused on stirring the sugar and Kool Aid mix together in a giant pitcher.

“I’m just saying - I think you two would make a really good couple. If you don’t like her, you should just tell her.”

“If she comes to me and tells me she likes me, I’ll tell her the truth. Until then, you can give back whatever she paid you to ask me about this stuff.” He picked up the jug with two hands, and turned to return outside. “Oh, and next time remember you’re my friend first, and you’re supposed to tell me the truth. I don’t know why you’re on Jennie’s side anyway.”

“What do you mean, ‘Jennie’s side’?!” You jumped in front of him, and a little bit of the liquid sloshed onto the floor, a purple puddle between you two. “There is no side - I’m just asking! You don’t need to have a stick up your butt about it!”

“I don’t force you to go out with people you don’t want to. Why are you trying to make me go out with Jennie?” He tried to keep walking, but you weren’t allowing it. Another trickle over the edge. 

“I’m not forcing you! I’m just asking a question! You’re completely over reacting!” This time, Taeyong attempted to barge straight past you, but unfortunately for both of you, the puddle became more of an obstacle than either of you expected.

As his feet went out from under him, you reached forward to save him, though all that was achieved was you joining him on the floor. Grape Kool Aid drenched your light blue dress and Taeyong’s white t-shirt, as well as the tiles of the kitchen floor. You looked around you, horrified. But before you could pay any attention to your ruined clothes, your focus was shifted to the figure beside you. Laying on his back, Taeyong was sniffing hard, and his eyes were starting to run.

“Shhhhh, Tyongie, don’t cry! It’s okay!” You were on your stomach, so you slid over to look over him, wiping his face with your sticky hands. “We can clean this up, okay? And I’ll give Jennie her jellybeans back - you’re my friend first, I’m on your side, okay? Just don’t cry, it’s gonna be okay.” 

It was at that point that Mark came rushing in to see where his juice was. You’d jumped up, and grabbed him before he could go and get Taeyong’s mom from the office upstairs.

“We’re gonna fix this, okay?” You had put your pinky over his lips, and waited for him to nod and shake. “I need you to get the paper towels, and I’m gonna help Taeyong.” 

Mark grabbed a roll, and you pulled Taeyong to his feet and sat him on one of the chairs around his kitchen table. You wiped his eyes again, and patted his cheek with your hand.

“I’m sorry, Tyongie. I’m on your side, okay? I’ll never try help another girl again.” His sniffling slowed, and then he did something out of character - he put his pinky over your lips, just like you and Mark had absentmindedly been doing for years. This was a big promise - the kind kept for when you had found the Christmas presents early, or had broken mom’s favourite snowglobe. This was a family promise. If you did this, you knew you could never break it.

You linked your pinky finger with his, and shook them. He smiled, and wiped his own eyes. You went to help Mark, and after using an entire roll of kitchen paper, successfully mopped up all trace of purple from the floor. Unfortunately, the same miracle cleaning could not be achieved for your dress or Taeyong’s shirt, and when his mom came down to check on you all, you were both scolded for ruining your clothes. You were sent home early, and Taeyong hadn’t been allowed to come out to the trampoline for 3 days afterwards. But your promise held - you never forgot you were on  _ his  _ side, and you refused to help any more girls when they asked where his affections lay.

 

-

 

Now, laying on the trampoline, Taeyong laughs at the memory.

“Alright, fair point. I don’t know, Y/N. I don’t understand how people do it. Whenever I think I like a girl, I think about what it’d be like to have a girlfriend, and I start panicking.”

“Panicking?”

“Like, my heart starts beating too fast, and I feel a bit sick. I don’t want a girlfriend - I just want to pass 8th grade!”

“That makes sense. I think it’d just be a lot of work. When Lisa got a boyfriend, she had to spend every single lunch time with him. And they had to always wait for each other after school to walk home together - he didn’t live anywhere near her! He’d walk her home, then walk back to school to catch the after-clubs bus home. She told him to stop, but he thought that meant she didn’t want to spend time with him anymore.”

“The same when Jaemin got a girlfriend. She held his hand whenever they were together; even when it was summer and really hot and apparently her palm was sweaty all the time. And she asked him to write her a poem for their 2 month anniversary. I’d be terrible - I got a B- in my last English test.”

“You’d be a good boyfriend, if you decided to be. You’re good at looking after people, like whenever the girls need help carrying boxes you always offer to do it first.”

“I just worry what people think, you know? Everyone knows us as the weird kids whose parents don’t come home. It’d be nice if we could be known as other people instead.”

You’d always worried about that. There was always a whisper, a point and a look - when it was ‘Bring Your Dad to School Day’ in 5th Grade and you and Taeyong had sat silently in your seats, watching others brag about their teacher-dads, accountant-dads, stay-at-home-dads. Then Taeyong’s mom came in for the mom equivalent day, and everyone had listened as she explained the training, the moving around, the day-to-day life of an Army Administrator. Your mom had spoken about being a full-time parent, and divulged a fraction of your father’s role overseas. Most of the time, it didn’t bother you. There were always moments, however, that felt like a dark cloud looming overhead.

“Do you miss him?” You turn your head to face Taeyong. He’s staring up, eyes not really focused on any particular spot - how could they? There’s so much to see.

“It’s kind of hard to, since I never really knew him. My mom does, though. Sometimes I walk past her room, and she’s just sitting with his medals and that stupid flag they gave her.”

“God, I hate that.” You turn to look back up, clouds beginning to form overhead. “Like, hello, a person has died, a flag isn’t gonna make that better, you know?”

“Exactly.” He forces a laugh. “I hope you don’t get a flag, dude.”

“You and me both. I don’t think Mark could handle it.”

“What about your mom?”

“You know they argue all the time he’s back anyway. At this point, I think the only reason she keeps him around is for the military perks.” You don’t know when you and Taeyong had reached this point, but the filters were completely gone by the time you were 11. In summers, and the occasional weekends, you two and Mark would have sleepovers in tents, and once the youngest had fallen asleep, all the secrets you’d held behind sealed lips poured out in hushed tones. 

“I’m not saying I want them to split up, but it wouldn't be a surprise if it happened, you know?”

“I get that. It’s good you’ve got Mark too. I wish I had a brother or sister.”

“What are you talking about?” You bump your elbow against his side. “You’ve got Mark too. And me. You don’t need any more family than that.”

“But what if things change?” He turns to look at you, and there’s a glaze over his eyes. You know that face; you’ve seen that face too many times. Your ‘cold-as-ice’, distant best friend, that had 100 girls chasing him because he was  _ so  _ unavailable, and  _ oh so charming.  _ The front that he put up to everyone, apart from his family. His mom. Mark. You. 

“No matter what happens, you’ve always got me.” You take his hand in yours. “We’re family, Tyongie. And not the kind that go overseas, or work all the time, or leave. Proper family.”

He squeezes your hand, and you lean your head to rest on his shoulder. 

_ Proper family, Tyongie. You, and me, and Mark. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one chapter doubles the word count of the entire document....theres a lot of more description and context given. i really liked writing this way, but it did take a wee bit longer, so feedback as to whether it's worth it or not is much appreciated!
> 
> any and all feedback is appreciated tbh, and thank you for the kudos!

“Y/N! Jaehyun’s here!” Your mom lets him in, and points him through to the kitchen. You’re sat in denim shorts and a cropped sweater, sketching. Your boyfriend smiles, puts a hand on your shoulder, and kisses your head.

“Hey babe, whatcha doodling?”

“I need to bulk out my sketchbook. Interviews start next week for college, and I just want it to be perfect, you know?”

“You’re gonna be great, don’t worry too much.” He sits opposite you, lifting your leg off the chair and resting it on his lap. “What time are we supposed to be meeting Taeyong and Ten?”

“I think they stayed over at Ten’s last night, so we’re picking them up on the way.”

Taeyong and Ten had been dating for two months after meeting in Dance Team, and this was Taeyong’s first boyfriend after coming out. Truth be told, they were adorable - trips to the zoo in matching t-shirts, art classes making pottery, late night dancing in the parking lot when they’d gone for late night frogurt. There were many times Taeyong had come over after a date, sat on your desk chair and gushed, while you and your boyfriend Jaehyun had listened on and smiled. 

Around high school, you would see Ten stopping by your homeroom to see Taeyong before class, and though it’d been 8 weeks, it was still hilarious watching your friends ears turn red as his boyfriend would squat in front of his desk and flirt. Mark had given him the nickname ‘The Panicked Gay’, which at first your mom had scolded you two for using - ‘I thought he was bisexual? It doesn’t make any sense’ - it had unfortunately become a frequent pet name around your home. 

Your cell phone rings, and it’s Taeyong. You show the screen to Jaehyun, who laughs at the photo you’d set - a picture from a few weeks prior when Taeyong had been staying over and you’d tied his hair in a pony tail on the top of his head. When he was younger, he’d stay over if his mom had to work on the base overnight. Now you were teenagers, and both had partners, it was less common, but you still relished in the occasional sleepover. It was at times like those that you had told him about seeing your mom out for coffee with a man you’d never seen before, and how she’d lied about her day when you’d asked afterwards. Times like those where he’d told you he didn’t think he was  _ just  _ into girls, and that he’d asked you to come with him because he wanted to tell his mom. As life moved you onwards, you needed times like those to keep each other grounded.

“Sup, homeboy.”

“Hey, we’re ready whenever you guys are.”

“Sweet, we’ll come over now. You got lunches?”

“As long as your mom is still okay us borrowing the car and blanket. We’ve got ourselves a picnic!”

You hang up, close your sketchbook, and lean forward. You lift up your legs, Jaehyun stands, and then holds his hands out to help you up as well. You’re flush against him, and smile up at him. A quick kiss, and you call to your mom you’ll be back before dinner, before taking his hand and leading him to the car to go pick up your friends.

Ten had suggested you all go for a picnic together, and you couldn’t have picked a better day for it. The sun was warm through the car windows as you pulled into the park. You and Jaehyun had been singing along to Bruno Mars ‘Finesse’ on the radio, with Taeyong jokingly trying to rap Cardi B’s parts, and the food that’d been packed looked delicious. Ten was wearing a plaid shirt, skinny jeans and a baseball cap, and Taeyong in black and white striped t-shirt with black jeans, and they looked adorable sat in the back of your mom’s car. You’d even stopped at Starbucks drive through on your way there, and Jaehyun had paid for your iced coffee. You couldn’t have been in  a better mood if you tried. Once parked, Ten takes Taeyong’s hand, and walks hip-to-hip with him. You smile at him, and point out to Jaehyun when Taeyong holds out his frappe for Ten to drink from. A hand on your heart, you pout at the situation, and Jaehyun chuckles and puts his arm around your shoulder.

You make your way to a clearing by some trees. Taeyong and Jaehyun lay out the blanket, and Ten puts down the basket full of food he and Taeyong had prepared. Together, they’d made sandwiches, kimbap, cut up fruit, and you’d brought along some of your mom’s cinnamon apple muffins. Eating lunch, you take the blue sunglasses resting on Jaehyun’s head and put them on, squinting a smile at him. Taeyong laughs, and you turn and scrunch your nose at him in a scowl.

There’s a click, and you turn to see Ten’s face covered by a disposable camera. Jaehyun and Taeyong laugh, and Jaehyun reaches over for it. You push the shades down your nose so you can look over the top, and shuffle to sit between Taeyong and Ten, draping your hands over each shoulder. Jaehyun takes a picture, and at that moment Taeyong jabs tickles your side. It causes you to jerk away laughing, accidentally knocking Ten over and letting out a cackle. You push him over, and straddle Taeyong and tickle him back. His mouth opens wide as he howls with laughter. Another click from Jaehyun’s direction, and you eventually release your prisoner. You all settle back down, and Ten rests his head on Taeyong’s shoulder. Seeing Taeyong look down and smile at Ten warms your heart, and you reach for your own boyfriend’s hand and squeeze it tight.  _ This,  _ you think.  _ This is what he deserves. What you both deserve. _

 

-

 

“Hey look! A playpark.” You’re walking back towards the car when Taeyong calls out. Ten’s hand is around his waist, other hand with one of the ice cream cones Ten had bought for everyone. He drifts towards the apparatus, the remaining members of your group following behind the excitable soul, already making his way up the slide. Your fingers are interlinked with Jaehyun’s, and as you crane your neck to see where Taeyong’s gone, a vanilla soft serve is wiped on the tip of your nose. Your mouth hangs open, and Jaehyun darts off into the park to avoid his punishment. You’re running, looking for your victim, when you spot Taeyong charging around the roundabout. 

“Y/N! Come push!”

You watch him a moment longer, before darting over to catch the handle and run with him. You go around a couple times, and when you feel like your legs can’t go any faster, you jump on, with Taeyong following suit a few seconds later opposite you. You lean back, and feel all the blood rush to your head. You haven’t done this since you were 10, and you can’t stop laughing as you go round and round. Taeyong jumps off again, pushing you faster, before jumping again, this time sat next to you.  Your laughter is loud, but the sound of your pulse gets louder, and Taeyong is quick to notice. He hops off and drags his feet back, slowing the play equipment to a halt. 

“Oh my god, are you gonna hurl?” His question is meant to be jokey, but the ice cream you’d devoured churns in your stomach. Jaehyun is by your side, and holds your hair into a ponytail as you put your head between your knees. Taeyong chuckles nervously, and Ten is quick to his side, arm snaking around his waist once more. You breathe deeply, red flushing your cheeks at the situation. Jaehyun rubs you back and laughs at you, his voice low and soothing but still jesting you. Taeyong steps out of Ten’s hold, towards you, and crouches to see you. You raise your head, and the panicked look on his face makes you laugh at yourself.

“I’m too old for this shit, Tyongie.” You pat his cheek, and he smiles at you. Resting a hand on Jaehyun’s knee, you lean into his shoulder and he kisses the top of your head. 

“Alright, grandma. Let’s get you back home before you spew on all the kids trying to enjoy their weekend.” He stands first, and holds out a hand to help you up. With your hands in his, you lean up to kiss him, and he turns his head at the last minute with a scrunched up nose and closed eyes. “Ew, it smells like vomit.” You choke out a laugh, and Jaehyun darts away, letting you chase after him. He rests behind a tree, and you put both hands on the trunk as you lean around to see him smiling down at you. He dips his head and kisses you, his lips soft on yours. You step closer to him, and when he pulls away you smile. You hold out your hand to him, and he intertwines your fingers before you walk back towards the other two, and eventually to where you’ve parked your mom’s car.

“So when are you guys putting on a new show?”

The windows were wound down, and your old My Chemical Romance CD had been pulled out of its case at Taeyong’s request as you drove the 25 minute drive back to Ten’s place. Both Jaehyun and Ten had turned their nose up, while you had cheered when The Black Parade was brought out of your backpack by Taeyong - any chance for you two to relive your 14 year old ‘emo’ phases; a time of dyed black hair, red jeans and many, many band t-shirts. You two had queued for 14 hours to get barrier when Fall Out Boy had come back off hiatus, and had sat in Taeyong’s bedroom crying when Spencer had left Panic! At The Disco. But nothing hit you harder than when the band that had got you into three-chord pop-punk announced their split. 

“Well, we’re supposed to be holding auditions next week for a new one. I’ve been trying to convince this one to try out for one of the solo dances, but he refuses.” Ten said it in a teasing way, and put his arm around Taeyong and shook him lightly. You see them in the back mirror, Taeyong smiling back, though a little flash of discomfort fails to miss your keen gaze.

“I don’t know, I still have to improve so much. There are so many talented people - I wouldn’t want to take on more than I’m capable of.”

“You’re so good though! Everyone thinks so!”

“You have to say that; you’re my boyfriend!”

“He’s right though, Tyong!” You chip in, the idea of all your best friend’s hard work finally being recognised too exciting for you to stay silent. “You’ve been working so hard for so long, why shouldn’t you be proud of that? Show it off?”

“I don’t think I’d get any parts though. These guys are AMAZING, Y/N.” His hand rests on Ten’s thigh, but he leans forward to talk to you directly.

“And? So are you! Worst case scenario, you audition and don’t get a part. You’ve gotta try, at least!”

“You really think I’d get a part?”

“You’ve been doing this for almost three years now; you deserve a part!”

Taeyong leans back in his seat, smiling to himself.

“That’s all it took to convince you?” Ten’s disbelief is apparent, and Taeyong’s about to answer when the most important piano note is played over your speakers.

“WHEN I WAS…” You spin the dial, turning the song up as loud as you can, and Taeyong leans forward, head sticking between yours and Jaehyun’s seats. Behind you, Ten scoffs a laugh, but the boy beside him is oblivious.

“A YOUNG BOY!” The voice is loud in your ear, and you turn to see Jaehyun’s eyes wide and mouth open in a laugh.

“MY FATHER TOOK ME IN TO THE CITY!” You and Taeyong both turn to look at him, and he rolls his eyes before belting out:

“TO SEE A MARCHING BAND!”

The song is wailed, and heads bounce at an aggressive speed when the guitar solo comes along. When you pull up to Ten’s house, he thanks you for the ride and slides out the car, Taeyong jumping out to walk him to his door. You watch them hover in the threshold, and turn to see your own boyfriend smiling over at you.

“What?”

“Nothing. You’re just really great, you know that?”

“Aw, babe.” You reach over to take the blue sunglasses from him once more, then run a hand through his brunette locks, before resting a hand on his cheek. He leans over the console to kiss you, and it’s only the sound of the car door opening that pulls you two apart.

“Everything good, Taeyong?” Jaehyun turns and asks the passenger as he buckles himself in.

An eager nod, and you’re setting off back to your neighbourhood.

When you pull up, your mom is sat on the porch with Taeyong’s mom, lemonade glasses out and sun hats on. Doors open, and your name is called across the lawn. You walk to her, Jaehyun in tow, and bend down to give her a kiss on the cheek as she reaches for you.

“Did you kids have a good time?” Taeyong’s mom always looks so different out of her uniform, her hair down and a mid length dress fluttering with each movement. Talking to her was even more of a juxtaposition; despite her tough exterior and no-nonsense job, she was a soft spoken woman with a big heart; always looking for a reason to gush about her son or you or your brother. 

“Yes, Ms Lee. Lots of fun.”

“Well, WE had fun. Y/N nearly puked on a toddler!”

“That is NOT what happened!” You playfully hit Taeyong, and grab hold of Jaehyun’s hand. “We’re going inside, you coming Tyong?”

“Is Mark in? I wanna whoop his ass on Overwatch again.”

“He’s in his room.” Your mom smiles at him, and he heads inside first. “So, what’s Ten like?”

“He’s nice! Same as always, very nice.”

“Oh, that’s good. What do you think of him, Jaehyun?”

“A good guy - a little protective, if you ask me, but good enough.”

The comment confuses you, but you choose not to ask it in front of the adults.  Your mom just smiles at Taeyong’s, and Ms Lee looks thrilled.

“I’m so pleased. I was so worried about him when he first told me; I didn’t want him to be teased or end up with a bad guy - I did some reading online about all this ‘bisexual erasure’ stuff, and the idea that anyone wouldn’t want to accept my son for the sweetheart he is. Well, I’m just glad he’s got you two to look out for him. And now you two have each other, as well!”

You feel a squeeze of your hand, and you smile at the doting mothers sat before you. 

“Right, well, before this all gets a lil too emotional, we’re gonna head in. Jaehyun’s good to stay for dinner, right mom?”

“Of course. We’re having lasagna if that’s alright, dear?”

“Awesome, Mrs Lee.” With that, you pass the living room with two boys wearing headsets sat on the sofa, and climb the stairs to your room. You kick off your shoes, Jaehyun throwing himself onto your bed, leaning against the wall and scrolling through his phone.

“What did you mean earlier?” 

You tie your hair up in a bun, and the mattress beneath you bounces slightly as you sit beside him. Your room was opposite the stairs, with Mark’s bedroom beside you, and you had a clear view to anyone coming up or down the house. The room itself was cosey, with a wardrobe at the end of your bed, and a desk beneath the window overlooking the garden. When you were younger, your bed had been against the window wall, but your dad had argued one time he was home that that was the reason you had a running nose in the spring months - a cold wall kept you ill. Turned out you had the flu, but to appease him your mother had ‘redecorated’ your room to a layout that more suited him. Now, the only view you had from your bed was the side of the wardrobe, which you’d covered in photos and flyers and postcards.

“When?”

“When you said Ten was ‘protective’? I didn’t notice anything weird, is all.”

“Oh, just the way he was always grabbing onto Taeyong. Like, I’m not opposed to PDA - obviously - but there were times when it more looked like he was pulling him back rather than being cutesy, you know?”

“Example?”

“Okay, like when we were eating lunch. Taeyong had that smudge on his face of sauce, and I pointed it out. Well, you told him to lean forward so you could wipe it off, and Ten just went and gave him a kiss on the cheek instead. Like, he didn’t do it when I first pointed it out, but when you were offering to help he got weird about it.”

“Oh shit, do you think that’s my fault?”

“Oh hell no, I think he’s got his own thing going on. While you two were on the roundabout he was being a bit off, asking if you two were ‘always like this’ and stuff. He laughed when he said it, but you know when you’re just not sure someone is joking?”

You bite your lip, and suddenly you felt very self conscious. Was this a problem? Had you and Taeyong been ignoring Ten too much today? You had a witness sat right next to you; there was a clear way to resolve this issue.

“Was I being rude to Ten today?”

“What?”

“Like, was I joking about with Taeyong too much and I didn’t let him and Ten have enough time together? You me and him always hang out, and obviously you and Taeyong hang out in your home ec classes anyway, so we’re all friends. But what if I wasn’t including Ten enough, after he suggested the whole day?”

“Babe, honestly, you weren’t at all. All day it was clear how happy you were for Taeyong to have his boyfriend there - I think Ten might just need to get used to the dynamic. Don’t worry yourself, okay?” His hand rubs the back of your neck, and you sigh deeply. Jaehyun leans over to kiss you on the cheek, before turning your head to kiss you properly, and succeeds in distracting you from that small nagging voice in the back of your mind.

 

-

  
  
  


“Stop squirming!”

“You’re getting it on my ears!”

With a towel wrapped around his shoulders, Taeyong sits beneath you as you squeeze the ruby red formula onto his scalp. Mark is sat on his bed, homework spread out. 

“I don’t understand why you’re letting her do this.”

“It’s good after a break up. Everyone knows it.” You start massaging the dye in, taking care to cover every strand. As you graze the base of his hairline with your thumb, he shivers, and you apologise. “You’ve got to reinvent yourself. He did the earring when he split up with Rose when we were 15, I got bangs when I got dumped by Taeil last fall, and now things with Ten have gone south, it’s time to become a new Lee Taeyong!”

You’d spent your lunch today doing a photoshoot with the yearbook committee, and it was while you were finishing up with the cheer teams’ squad photos that you were approached by Taeyong, stoic and quiet. Since you’d gotten to high school, he’d cut back on crying, saving it for the moments that mattered. Despite his best efforts, you could still see when the cracks were beginning to show, and as he stood before you in a blue button down shirt and black skinny jeans, you could see his breathing falter momentarily as he avoided eye contact. He inhaled through his teeth sharply, asking if you were free this afternoon. He knew you both had classes, and there was a pop quiz in Geography that you’d been revising for with him and Jaehyun, but the slumped posture and bleary eyes alarmed you in a way that meant the pop quiz was the least of your worries.

A quick packing of your camera, and you two were making you way around the perimeters of your school to leave out the front. You’d sat with Taeyong a little way down the street, at a cafe you knew he and his friends would often go to when they were skipping Spanish or History. It was the action of your hand rubbing his shoulder, and once he’d begun, he wept for half an hour. Eventually, he disclosed what had happened - after no visit to morning homeroom - which you hadn’t been aware of, since you were late to school this morning - Taeyong had eventually found Ten in the canteen sitting with a couple of his friends. Taeyong had asked for a chance to talk, and it was as they stepped out in the corridor that Ten had told him they should stop seeing each other. 

According to Taeyong, there was no real reason given - he just didn’t think they should be a couple anymore; they weren’t working, and that was that. You were furious, and had even offered to get Mark and some of his friends - Mark was on the soccer team, and had a couple of friends called Lucas and Jeno that you were broad enough to take Ten out if you needed them to. Taeyong had insisted that you leave it, forget all of it, it didn’t matter anymore. It was at that moment that his stomach had rumbled, crying out for lunch, and you realised with your photography and his break-up, neither of you had eaten. You left the cafe, and dragging Taeyong by his arm made your way to the mall, where you’d picked up Taco Bell, and wandered freely until the drugstore had caused a slow in his step. You’d nodded your head to gesture you two should enter, and it was in there that his hand had settled on a shade called ‘Cherry Bomb Red’. 

A 45 minute bus ride back home, and you’d put on your plastic gloves.

“Did he give a reason?” Mark asks, having joined you about 15 minutes ago. You feel Taeyong tense beneath you, take off the gloves, and stick them in the cardboard box.

Taeyong shrugs, mumbling ‘nothing particular’, and you try not to be suspicious. The towel has slipped, so you tug it back up, and make an offer to grab sodas. Both boys agree, so you grab the hair dye components, as well as a couple of tissues and extra pieces around your room that need trashing, and head out the door towards the stairs. Three cans of Sprite are obtained, and you pad lightly back up to your room. The voices behind your door are lowered, but you’d spent years straining for silent conversations between your parents. You sit on the final step, and lean back against banister as Mark replies to whatever Taeyong had just said.

“He seriously said that?”

“Yep. The date was a test, and apparently I failed it.”

“You realise that’s really messed up? Even if that’s what he thought, normal people talk about that stuff, man. They don’t set them up like that.”

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter. I told him he was full of crap, and he told me to choose.”

“To choose?! What the fuck, man?”

You almost bolt from your seat to smack him for cursing, when you hear a ‘thwack’ sound.

“You’re 15, dude! Mind your language. What would your sister say?”

“What would she say to this whole situation?”

“You can’t tell her dude. It’s stupid, and ridiculous, and it doesn’t matter now anyway. He’s gone. That’s all.” A scoff - you assume from Mark. “You've gotta promise you won't tell.”

“Okay, okay,” Mark’s words are mumbled. “You guys are nearly 18, you have GOT to stop doing this pinky swear thing.” 

You rise, and enter the room. Mark’s head returns to his studies, and Taeyong’s shoots round to face you, quickly enough for a splash of red to mark his cheek.

“Wow. Smooth.” He turns to look in your mirror, and you place the cold can on the back of his neck.

“Agh! You’re a jackass!”

“And you’re a douchebag.” You sit on your desk chair backwards. “Go wash it off, it’s been 30 minutes.”

He rises, and heads to your bathroom. Once he’s gone, you roll the chair over to the bed, and tap Mark’s leg.

“What were you talking about?” You add a nauseating level of whine to your voice.

“None of your business. Guy stuff.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

“Sorry sis, my lips are sealed.”

“Where’s the loyalty?”

“Bros before hoes, Y/N. Bros before hoes.”

“I ain’t your hoe, you weirdo.”

“Speaking of, weren’t you supposed to be hanging out with Jaehyun after school?”

“Yeah, but I called him. Family emergency, man. Bros before hoes, and all that jazz.” 

You kick back from the bed frame, and the chair knocks your back against your desk. There's a large mirror beside it, surrounded by photos of you, Mark, Taeyong, Jaehyun - even one of you guys with your parents, Taeyong's mom sat beside yours while your dad has each boy swinging from an arm. You're only 6 or 7, and you're missing your front teeth as you grin at the camera, sat between the two ladies. The desk itself is a clutter of workbooks, art supplies and a single photo frame with you and Taeyong, ankles deep in a river, looking for fish. Shortly after the photo was taken, you had found one and called Taeyong to come see. Instead of sharing your awe and enthusiasm, he had screamed and ran away. You decided that fish hunting was something just you and Mark should do from then on out. 

“We’re gonna go get pizza tomorrow instead. It’s our 6 month anniversary next week so I think we’re gonna do something special then; this was just to prep for finals.”

“Did I wreck your plans?” You turn to follow the voice, and in the doorway is a flash of crimson. The black t-shirt and button down makes it really shine through, and a smile spreads across your face when you see it.

“You look great!” You kneel up on your chair, and wave him over to you. He trudges over, leans against your desk, and puts his head down for you to examine your handiwork. You run your hands through it, still a little damp, and wipe a stain away from behind his ear. He looks up, and smiles when he sees your expression. “How do you like it? You happy with it?”

“It’s good, yeah.” The grin drops. “But...did you really cancel on Jaehyun?”

“Dude, don’t even worry about it. You’re my number one; you know that. Hell, HE knows that!”

“But…”

“No ‘but’s. You’d do the same for me.” Mark clears his throat, and you turn to look at him quizzically. When you turn back around, Taeyong’s eyes are narrowed. “If it was Mark, it wouldn’t be an issue. So deal with it.” You lower yourself, sip from your soda, and your phone vibrates. You check it, and smile. “Speak of the devil, he says he hopes you’re doing okay, and him and Haechan will go egg Ten’s house if you want?”

You spend the rest of the day sat on your bed between Taeyong and Mark, watching old episodes of Stranger Things and laughing at Mark’s lion cub impressions. Later that evening, you’re sitting at the kitchen table with Mark, each doing homework. Your mom is on the phone in the other room, your dad making his bi-weekly phone call. The tone isn’t great, and Mark reaches over to turn up the sounds of J Cole on his phone. When the disagreement reaches a peak, your brother stands quickly from his chair, grabbing all his books.

“I’m going across the street. You coming?”

You mom seems to slam the phone down, and you quickly shake your head. Mark doesn’t ask twice - school work in one hand, phone in the other, he’s out the door as quickly as he can, clearly not wanting to be caught by your mom. His absence creates a silence in the room considered the heart of your home, and when your mom comes through a few minutes later she’s surprised there’s anyone around.

“Oh, Y/N. I assumed you’d be with Taeyong still.”

“Nah, he went home to show his mom his new hair. Him and Mark are studying, I think.”

“Oh, I think she’s taking him out for pizza, now you mention it. I saw them heading out when I went for a walk before dinner.”  _ Mark must have gone to Lucas’ instead.  _ Your mom lingers, hovering by the kitchen counter, before turning to face you, lips pressed firmly together. “I don’t know if you heard much of that just then…”

“I noticed an increase in the ‘bickering’” You make the air quotations, and your mom bites her lip. “Though the walls in this place are too thick to hear any of the content.”

“Yeah, they are…” She looks around, smiling weakly as she takes in her surroundings, an expression like it’s the first time she’s seen them. “You know, when I married your father, they told us we’d probably have to move around a lot. Wherever they stationed him, we would need to follow. But after we moved here, they sent him overseas, and it feels like he hasn’t looked back.” She pulls out one of the kitchen chairs and sits opposite you. “We could’ve gone with him - gone and lived in Afghanistan, or Iraq, or wherever they wanted to send him. I never told you this, but they’ve even moved his base, so when he’s back on home-turf he reports to an office out in New Orleans. Not even here anymore.”

“Wait, how often does he come home then?”

“At this point, it’s probably a 50:50 split between the States and overseas.”

“But...you never told us. All this time, we could’ve been spending 6 months of the year with him, instead of 2 weeks?” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing - your dad was in the country. Sure, when he was home, him and your mom argued endlessly, and he expected the entire dynamic to flip so he was the centre of everyone’s attention for the brief time. But this could’ve changed that...this could have changed so much!

“Would you have wanted that, though? They moved him about 4 years ago - just as you and Taeyong had started high school, and Mark was settling in middle school.” 

You remember that time - your dad’s two-week visit had him visiting the same base Taeyong’s mom worked at a lot, and you sulked a lot that he wouldn’t stop working for even a short time to spend time with you and Mark. When he’d left, Mark had cried to Taeyong, and Taeyong had felt so bad he’d told you after.

“Your father thought it’d be best to let you two finish high school with your friends if the military would be okay with it, and after twisting a LOT of arms, we thought you two should stay with the family you had.”

“But you never asked!” Your ears are burning, and you push your chair back as you stand up. “We could’ve all been together for 6 whole months at a time, and instead you only gave us two weeks!”

“I have tried to get your father to be here; all I wanted was for you and Mark to grow up with him around.” Her voice is so level; void of emotion. You hate it. “I couldn’t control your father’s choice not to move home as much as I could control his choice to resign his contract with the military, or for him to enlist in the first place.” 

“But he’s your husband! Don’t you care about your family?!” It’s a good thing Mark is gone; despite everything, he idolises your father. The idea that he’d ever choose to be anywhere other than with his kids would ruin him. 

“He’s a man I married, but you’re old enough to know his heart is with his country. His service.” 

Your parents had got engaged two weeks after your dad received his acceptance letter, and their wedding was three months before he was sent to a training academy halfway across the country. Your mom had followed him there, and then everywhere he had been sent, until she got pregnant with you, and she entered the life of a Military Base Spouse in search of stability. She told the story to Ms Lee whenever they’d had a glass or two too many, and at first it had seemed sweet, but as you aged and learnt about your place in the world, the idea of following anyone around the country and putting your life on hold every single time seemed a drain; the idea you could ever care for someone that much seemed a foreign concept, and now with your mother speaking of it, you begin to realise it was a notion she wasn’t as acquainted with as you’d initially thought. 

“I don’t understand why you’re telling me this.” You sit back down, head in your hands. “Why are we talking about any of this? Is that what he was saying on the phone? Is he moving? Is he coming home?” The last question came out more hopeful than you’d wanted, considering you now realise that he could have been ‘home’ years ago. When he was home, you wanted him to leave, but the idea that he didn’t want to be there either hurt you too much to face right now. 

“Well that’s the thing. The military have provided this...alternative living arrangement for as long as they can.” You move your hands away, to see your mom once again taking in her surroundings. Not like it’s the first time...like it’s the last. “I really wanted to talk to you and Mark about this together. Or just have enough time to come to my own decisions about this…”

“Time? You want time?” Out of the chair, and this time with no intention of coming back. “Take all the time you need, I’ll keep this to myself. Hell, you’ve had the past four years, why not a little bit longer?”

You’re out the door before you can hear any attempt to call you back. Cell phone left in your room upstairs so it wouldn’t distract you while you’d been studying, there’s no way to contact Mark or Jaehyun to go hang out with them. Despite the lights being off and the car out the driveway, there’s a spot on the trampoline waiting for you. Laying on your back, you look up at the stars and try to fully absorb all that your mom has just confessed to.

Maybe an hour passes, when you hear a car pulling up, and voices as the doors are shut. The voices travel inside the house, and you watch as each room’s light turns on - first the kitchen, then the staircase, before finally the bedroom is illuminated. You see a figure appear, reaching up to shut the blinds, but pause a moment. Blinds are drawn, light turned off, and it’s a moment or two before the door to the backyard is opened and closed. 

“You been out here long?”

“Not as long as my mom’s been lying to me, it seems.”

“Wait, what?” 

You sit up, and slide off the trampoline, making your way over to the figure leaning against the wall of his home.

“It’s cold out tonight; mind if I stay over?”

“Course not. Any reason?”

“I’m here to support my best friend in his time of need, obviously.” Heading inside, you briefly say hi to his mom before climbing the stairs two at a time, then kicking your shoes off and launching yourself onto his bed. “How was pizza?”

“Alright.” He sits beside you, your backs leaning against his headboard, legs outstretched in front of you. “Mom tried not to ask too many questions, which was nice. Still feels kinda shitty that it happened though, you know?”

“I know, Tyongie. It is shitty, that’s why.” You link your arm with his, so you’re completely flush side-by-side.

“So what’s this about your mom? Mark text me asking if he could come over, but obviously I was out so I think he went down the street.”

You recall your evening to the best of your ability, and when you’re done Taeyong sits silently for a moment. You don’t look at him, because now the words have been repeated aloud, you feel there’s a very clear end to this.

“What’re you thinking, Taeyong?”

“You were applying to art schools around here anyway, weren’t you? Like, one of the best colleges for your course is only an hour commute, right?”

“I haven’t been accepted though. And there’s still all of summer to deal with first.”

“We’ve nearly finished the year though. You can’t move south now. We’re nearly done.”

“There are two ways that conversation with me her and Mark is going to go - one, we have to move to live with my dad, which will suck for a while but hopefully I’ll end up in an art school near here and things will go exactly as we planned. Or two...she’s gonna leave my dad.”

“Do you seriously think that would happen?”

“I can’t imagine them living together again. And she’s got her life here, you know? But if she did that, we’d all be screwed. We can’t afford to live in these neighbourhoods, even the ones that  _ aren’t _ military housing. She only works part time at the care home, for crying out loud. We’d have to move way out of the suburbs - probably get an apartment somewhere a billion miles away, and pray it doesn’t have rats or mould, you know?”

“You wouldn’t have to live in mould, dummy.”

“But we wouldn’t live here…” Your voice cracks, and it’s pitiful how empty you feel. Today was not your day to be sad; you were sitting next to a broken hearted best friend, and you had the nerve to whine about the idea of having to get a longer bus ride into high school.  “God, I’m being so self involved. I’m sorry dude, this is nonsense anyway; we just need to wait and see what happens. Things will definitely be fine, whatever happens.”

“They will. Honestly. Whatever happens, you’ve still got me and Mark and Jaehyun and your mom. Even if it seems like she’s not there for you now; everyone is still with you.”

Later on, you’re laying side by side, him in plaid PJ trousers and a black t-shirt, you in a shirt you’d left at his months ago along with some shorts you’d borrowed from his mom. There’s a lamp beside his bed switched on, and a faint glow from the galaxy of glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to his ceiling. You turn from them to look at his hair, ruffling it a little and causing a smile. 

“It came out well, if I do say so.”

“A good call. A fresh start.”

“The start of the end, maybe.”

“Don’t talk like that, you’re going to be fine. WE are going to be fine.”

“You promise?”

“The only way I know how to.” He holds his pinky against your lips, and you grin as you loop yours around it and shake. He twists himself to turn the lamp off, before you wrap an arm around his waist and hug him.

“I’m glad I’ve got you, Taeyong.”

“Me too.” An arm squeezes your shoulder. “Now shut up, and let’s get some sleep.” 

You each loosen your hold, and you roll over to sleep. Whatever happens tomorrow, for now, you still have your best friend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took like 10 billion years to come out, the end of the academic year has been chaos and then this was gonna be on massive chapter but it got to like 10,000 words unfinished so i've decided to cut it in two. i'll try to upload more regularly now im done with uni, so please keep sharing and giving lots of love to this!

You’re sitting on your bed in the dorm, laptop open as you research the history of quinceañeras for your latest assignment; a birthday-themed publication due in next Thursday. You’re elbow deep in ideas for photoshoots, editorials - someone in your group even has a series of gif proposals for your portfolio. You decided to get as much work done this afternoon as possible, because you knew this evening and tomorrow morning would be out-of-action.

“So let me get this straight; your brother is coming ALL the way over from New Orleans just to hang out with you? Why aren’t you going home?”

Your roommate Rida is sitting opposite you at her desk chair, practicing pinning her head scarf for a wedding she’s attending next week. The sight is unusual, since Rida had renounced her hijab when she moved to college, and she’s proving herself to be out of practice as she keeps having to redo it when sections are too loose or don’t sit quite right. 

She’s a photography major, and at the request of her mother she is attending her eldest cousin’s wedding and going ‘full-on-muslim’ for it.  While she had originally protested, learning her ex-boyfriend had made it onto the guest list swayed her, and she intended to use this event to convince him to get back together with her because ‘we both know he didn’t really want to break up with me - his mom just pressured him to try find a nicer, hijabi instead’.

“We still believe in the same God.” She would protest whenever she was explaining her recent break up to people. “Just because I want to get through airports faster and not have slurs thrown around campus at me, doesn’t mean I’m any less of a good muslim than he is.” You would have to bite your tongue from all the explicitly haram things she got up to; napping through prayers, the tequila shots she drank on her 20th birthday, accidentally ordering a cheeseburger, and rather than sending it back just accepting the mistake and eating it. In reality, Rida was raised in a Muslim family and was now embracing the rebellion of her college years - but if ANYONE were to question her faith, she would go - to use her phrase - ‘full blown Muslim on their asses’.

“He wants to see his friends back home. Since it’s not that far, I said he can stay over at mine afterwards - I’m gonna go hang out with Taeyong until he’s ready, then I’ll drive us both back here and he’s crashing with us.”

“Not gonna take the opportunity to meet up with Jaehyun?”

-

You’d moved away at the start of June, with a promise to your mother you would keep the discussion you’d had with her to yourself - away from Mark, at least. A few days earlier, you had sat with Jaehyun on your porch, your head rested on his shoulder. His hand on your thigh, your hand on his, you stared out at the neighbourhood you had loved.

“We could try it. I mean, it’s only 4 months until you’re basically back in the state.”

“Yeah, which means you’re going to be a billion miles away anyway.” 

He had been offered to study broadcasting and radio overseas; an absolute dream come true. You’d already discussed that ‘waiting’ for each other was unfair, so you knew at the end of the summer you’d part ways and promised to be happy for each other wherever you went, but now that deadline had been diminished from weeks to mere days, it seemed impossible that you’d ever thought you could shake hands and walk away.

“I can come visit you over summer?”

“I’m probably gonna be running back here all the time anyway, let’s be real.”

“Well how about this” - he turns to face you, hand now enclosing yours - “You see Taeyong for a couple of days, then stay with me for a day or two? It’ll be short, but wouldn’t that be better than not seeing each other at all?”

“But wouldn’t it just hurt more at the end? If we do this now, then at least we get to properly say goodbye, rather than never knowing if the last time we see each other will be the last time until you fly out.”

You blink up at him, and he smiles and shakes his head.

“God I hate how rational you are.” 

“I hate what a dreamer you are.” You laugh a little, a smile softening your features.

“I hate you.” 

There’s a pause, and you lean in to kiss him. Long, and slow, and sad. 

“I hate you too.”

-

“Nah, I don’t think he’s coming back from Seoul any time soon. Besides, I’ve got a date next week.”

“Oh my god, with who?!”

“That Yuta guy from my photography class.”

“Oh my, this is like the what, fourth date? Fifth now?”

“Fourth, yeah. I don’t know, I think I’m mostly keeping him around to get laid at this point.”

“Gross. Really Y/N, you’re gonna taint my good Muslim upbringing with that sort of talk.”

“What’s going to taint your good upbringing is the pack of menthols you’re hiding in the medicine cabinet, you hypocrite!”

Rida feigns ignorance to the situation, and storms to the bathroom. You chuckle, and return to your research, only for her to poke her head around the door a minute later.

“You got my lighter?” She smiles at you, and you retrieve the plastic from your shelf before launching it at her head.

-

Mark’s flight lands a little after 4pm, and then it’s just over an hour drive over to Taeyong’s. You talk about home life; your parents are seemingly getting on, apart from the occasional argument that blows over pretty quickly. Mark’s high school soccer practices, his grades, his new girlfriend. In return, you offer information about what’s been going on at your end - after moving into dorms, you’d taken graphic design, illustration and photography classes, as well as picking up Spanish, just to challenge yourself. It was in this class that you met Doyoung, a freshman like yourself that had helped get you a job at the student bookshop on campus. Together, you would practice translating book titles into Spanish, stressing out your co-worker Sicheng, who was spending a year abroad from China, and was counting on the two of you to help him improve his English as much as possible before he returned home in the spring. Rida acted as your model for a bunch of your assignments, and the two of you were looking at getting a flat out of dorms with her friend Somi, as well as Doyoung and his friend Kun. After the catch up, you were only 20 minutes away, so you spent the last part of your journey listening to Mark’s Coldplay CD.

Turning into the street you spent so much of your life on, it’s remarkable how nothing has changed. You had been in town in July for Taeyong’s 19th birthday, and again at the start of October once you were settled in your dorms, but most of the time the two of you met in the middle somewhere - coffee shops and diners in the city, or Taeyong would visit your college. There were a lot of phone calls, and late night Skype sessions, but being here with Mark gave the whole visit another level - it felt more like you two were visitors, unable to simply return home when it got late, because what was once home now held no possessions of your own. 

You pull up outside, and you’ve barely gotten out of the car before the front door opens to you. Hair faded to a soft pink, he beams as he reaches out to high five Mark. Afterwards, he pauses to look at you, and you grin before galloping over to properly embrace him. He lifts you as you hug, and you bend your knees, giving him all your weight. It’s only been a month or so since you’ve last seen each other, but it’s been almost 3 since you’ve been in  _ this  _ spot with him. He sets you down, and you ruffle his hair.

“Look at you being all punk.” He’s sporting black ripped jeans and a black band t-shirt, despite the weather beginning to take a turn for the worse.  You notice the hairs on the back of his neck and his arms stand up as you run a hand down his arm to link with him as you walk inside, Mark the other side of you.

“Y/N! Mark!” Taeyong’s mom is still in her army gear, hair scraped back into a tight bun on her head. “Look at you two; it feels like so long since you’ve both been here.” She reaches out to touch Mark and your faces, and smiles. “Mark, I hear you’re heading out with friends tonight, but since I missed your actual birthday, I got you a little something now.”

“Aw, Ms Lee, you shouldn’t have.” He smiles as she runs up the stairs, and the three of you make your way into the living room. The room is light, with double doors opening into the kitchen area at the back of the house. On the mantelpiece sits two candlesticks, with an urn in the middle. You’d gotten into the habit of nodding to Taeyong’s father whenever you visited, and this time was no different. Taeyong sits on the couch under the window, while you sit facing the fireplace, Mark beside you. 

When Ms Lee returns from upstairs, she has a wrapped box in her hand, wrapping paper similar to that which she had wrapped your own birthday present in - for your 18th, when you were still living across the street, Ms Lee had given you a set of pearl earrings; her grandmother’s, she had informed you.

“I always thought I’d give them to my own daughter, when she was old enough.” She had smiled at you, as your own mother became flustered and guffawed at how the gesture was too much, she really shouldn’t have. “Having you three all grow up so close - it’s like I had one after all, you see.”

Inside the box is a soccer shirt, and while you know nothing about sport, Mark is quickly off his feet to give her a hug. She laughs a little, and pats his back. The four of you stay chatting for a while, before Mark’s phone rings, letting him know Lucas, Jeno and Haechan are coming to pick him up. With that, you and Taeyong also take your leave, Taeyong offering to drive you both out for dinner instead. Ms Lee waves you off, and you head on your way.

-

“So what’s it like being on base?”

“Not too bad.” Taeyong takes a bite of one of the breadsticks from the basket on your table. “It’s mostly just computer stuff - I don’t actually see my mom around that much, which is good.”

“Yeah, I reckon it’d  be so strange to have her hanging over you while you were trying to do your job.”

Taeyong had enlisted. For most people, that would mean being sent far away to complete some rigorous training camp, but thanks to his mother’s high status on the base near home, he was able to work in offices 3 days a week, while doing the physical training the other 3. A set up almost unheard of in most military training programmes, that paired with the fact they were still in the same house after almost 15 years truly showed how far Taeyong’s mom had progressed. She was now expected to head overseas for only a week or two at a time, and this was mostly just to configure what was happening in the ‘trenches’ with what was being set up back home. Taeyong had never seen himself as particularly academic, so following in his family footsteps was what he perceived as ‘the right choice’ for himself.

You didn’t necessarily agree, but as long as he was still on home turf, you could keep your doubts to yourself.

“Made any pals yet?”

“Yeah, there’s this one guy Johnny who’s hilarious. Lanky as hell, Chicago born - he moved here about 6 months ago, and apparently his dad stopped speaking to him for three weeks when he told them he had signed up for the army.”

“Christ. Well, I guess it ain’t for everyone.” The waitress delivers the food to your table - carbonara for yourself, pepperoni pizza for Taeyong. “So is Johnny cute?”

“He’s got his own charms. Why, you looking to be set up?”

“Me? God no. I’ve got my Japanese guy waiting to take me on an above-average date when I get home. I was thinking for you, dummy.”

“Oh, no. God no. I haven’t even told people at work I’m bi. The army is still quite closed off to that sorta stuff.”

“Boo. It’s the 21st Century people; when will they learn?”

“It’s okay. I’ve got someone else in mind anyway.”

You stop spinning the pasta onto your fork and look up. Taeyong smiles at you as he bites into his pizza, and you kick him under the table.

“Spill, Tyong! Who is it? What’re they like? Have you asked ‘em out yet?”

“She’s cute; like, really nice eyes, big smile, super friendly.” He takes a swig of his soda, and you eagerly wait to hear more. “She goes to the same gym as me and Johnny, and, I don’t know, at first I thought she was hitting on Johnny, but then I was sick a few weeks back and apparently she was asking after me. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to work up the courage to ask her out, but you know I’m no good at that stuff.”

You’ve been chowing down the whole time he’s talking, and you feel your stomach churn now you pause for a moment. You never used to get indigestion, but you put it down to the cheap food.

“You’ve got to, dude! She sounds like a catch - how could she ever say no to you?”

Taeyong’s cheeks flush at the compliment, and the conversation moves on, but your mind inexplicably wanders when you excuse yourself to the bathroom back to this girl. This mysterious, beautiful, nice-eyed-big-smiles girl. The last person Taeyong had dated had been Ten, and you’d been around to pick up the pieces when that had ended. You were further away now,  so the thought of anyone coming along and breaking your best friend’s heart was infuriating. 

The rest of the meal is comfortable; you bounce between reminiscing about the past, laughing about the present, and fearing the future. You split a piece of cheesecake, and it’s as you’re signing the bill your phone vibrates with a text from Mark. You don’t check it immediately, busy trying to scavenge an appropriate tip from the depths of your bag, but when the vibrations extend to signify a call, you dump the $3.65 you’d acquired and take the call.

“Y/N! What’s uuuuuuuuuuuup?” Mark all but yells down the phone, and behind him, there’s a loud cheer. “Did you know...I have a GIANT head?”

“Mark, what are you talking about?”

“It’s huge! It probably weighs so much. Like, 15kg I bet!”

“Oh my god, you’re drunk.” The waitress collects the bill from you, and Taeyong raises an eyebrow to your comments. “Mark, where are you? I’m gonna come pick you up.”

“No, no, no. It’s fiiiiiiiine. I just, I can’t stop thinking about how heavy my head is.” There’s laughter in the background, and you roll your eyes. Nodding your head towards the door, Taeyong takes this as the cue to leave, so you both stand and make your way back to Taeyong’s car. “HEY LUCAS. HAS YOUR MOM GOT SCALES?” He pauses for a response. “I WANNA WEIGH MY HEAD. I BET YOU FIVE BUCKS THIS THING WEIGHS LIKE, 15 KILOS.”

“Mark, I’ll be there in 20 minutes. You’re so dead, dude.”

“I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me!” This earns him more laughs, causing someone to start coughing hard. “Oh shit, someone get Haechan a drink. I’ll chat to you later, Y/N. Lucas found his scales.”

The phone line goes dead, and you scoff.

“He’s wasted. Do you remember where Lucas lives? We gotta go get him and his stupid ass friends.”

“Of course. Let me just go wash my hands.”

The waiter comes to take the cash from you, as well as your empty glasses, and when you smile up you realise you’re face to face with Jennie. 

“Oh, hey! I didn’t realise you worked here! How are you; it’s been ages?”

“Hey! Yeah, I’m good. I’m doing night classes down at community college, but my mom got sick so I had to stay local for college. I heard you had to move, but it’s great you’re back! Did I see you with Taeyong?”

“Yeah, he’s just washing his hands. My brother wanted to come visit some of his base friends, so we’re just popping back for the night.”

“You staying with Jaehyun?”

“Oh, no. We, erm, we broke up. He’s moved out to Seoul, and we weren’t really down for that ‘long distance’ thing.”

“Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. You two were cute. And it was always so nice that he was okay with Taeyong, too.”

“Why would he not be okay with Tae?”

Jennie shifts the glasses she’s stacked to sit in the crook of her elbow and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Oh, no reason. You just know how jealous guys can get about that sort of thing…”

“Oh, hi Jennie!” Taeyong approaches, wiping his damp hands on his jeans. “How’s it going?”

“It’s good! Just catching up with your pal here. Anyway, it was good to see you, Y/N.”

She scurries off to gather other glasses from tables around the diner, and you narrow your eyes as she turns away from you to enter the kitchen.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just something weird she said...nothing important.” You start towards the door. “Let’s go save the dumbest 18-year-old on the east coast.”

-

“Y/N! I’m so fine, honestly!”

Mark is sat in the back seat of your car, with a barely-coherent Jeno beside him. His words are slurred, and you roll your eyes as he insists for the ten thousandth time that he’s alright. Taeyong chuckles as he drums his fingers on the steering wheel. 

When you’d arrived, the house had seemed relatively quiet. You knocked on the door twice, with Taeyong waiting in the driver’s seat for you to come out. Eventually, Lucas had come to the door, and his eyes widened when he saw you. Lacking any subtlety, his eyes wandered up and down you before he scratched his nose with his thumb. The white tank top he was wearing had a stain from what you would’ve guessed was red wine, and he shoved both hands in his blue jean pockets as he threw his head back to call for your brother.  Mark’s initial response to seeing you had been elation, and he reached out to pull you into the house as well. You’d attempted to drag your heels, but Lucas seemed equally ecstatic at the idea that you’d be joining them for their ‘party’, so grabbed your other arm and also dragged you in. You shot a panicked look back to Taeyong, who was getting out of the car before the door behind you was closed.

You stood upright, and told Mark the plan: you were going home. Now.

“Y/N.” He whined. “We can’t leave Jeno! He’s  _ this _ close to beating Haechan on Street Fighter.”

You followed them down to the basement, where two faces were staring a flashing television screen, their animated characters kicking and punching each other.

“Irrelevant to my life right now. Mark, I said I’d come and pick you up at 10. It’s a long ass ride back to mine, I cannot be dealing with this right now.”

“‘It’s a long ass ride’” Mark repeated, rolling his wrist as he walked to the couch to sit beside Haechan. “I’ll just stay here then; it’s all fine, Y/N. Totally fine!”

“You’ve got an early flight, and I’ve got class - I’m not coming and picking you up at 5am to drop you at the airport still drunk! You’re coming, now.”

There’s another knock at the door, and Lucas retrieved Taeyong, who took in his surroundings with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth.

“Mark, dude, we gotta go.”

“I ain’t going for a two-hour drive with you guys. Just leave me here, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“You aren’t staying here, bro.” Taeyong came to stand beside you.

“Yeah, c’mon Mark. Lucas’s mom did not sign up for dealing with four wasted teens, so don’t be a dick and just get in the car.” 

“Okay, okay!” Hands in the air, Mark accepted defeat. “But, we gotta save Jeno too. He told his dad he’d be back by 12.”

“Also, he sucks ass at Street Fighter.” Haechan chipped in, sipping from the can he’s got open beside him, but not taking his eyes away from the screen.

“I’ll choke you on the XBOX controller if you don’t shut the hell up.”

“Ooh, choke me, daddy.” Haechan finally looked directly at Jeno and raised his eyebrows, causing Lucas to spit out his drink. Mark’s laugh echoed through the basement den, and Jeno threw the remote away in disgust.

“Right, I’m good. Let’s go.” As he stood, he wobbled, and you instinctually darted out to prop him up.

“Tyong, come help me with this will ya?” He moved to Jeno’s lefthand side, and the two of you helped him up the stairs and into the car. Jeno lived a street over from Taeyong, so it was an easy enough drop off, and after a brief explanation and apology to his bleary-eyed looking father, you hopped back in the passenger seat to see Mark leaning back himself.

“Stay awake dude, we got a long drive back to mine.”

“Don’t you mean a ‘long ass ride’?” He chuckles to himself, but his eyes remain closed.

“You know, you two can just crash at mine if you want?”

“Don’t be stupid. That’d be such a pain, and I’ve got the dorm to myself until Sunday anyway, so it’s not like we’ll be disturbing Rida.”

“You seriously want to drive with him for another hour?”

You turn to look at the mess you dare to call a sibling sat behind you, who was now softly snoring away.

“If he vomits, I’ll kill him.”

“I, on the other hand, am more than capable of dealing with cleaning that stuff up. I have a bucket he can use and everything.”

“Will your mom be angry?”

“Pft, nah. She loves you guys. Also, if we’re quiet enough, she doesn’t need to even know.”

“You’re the best, Tyongie.”

He switches off the ignition and helps you walk a now clearly-inebriated Mark into the house.

“Living room?” He whispers to you, the streetlights outside the only source of brightness to highlight his face. There’s a shine in his eyes, and the shadows cast make his cheekbones look far more defined than you’d ever noticed.

“Living room.” Shuffling into the room, there are two sofas.

“Sit him over there, and I’ll pull out the bed.” On one sofa, you rest Mark, who stays upright for all of five seconds before laying himself down. Across the room, you nod to Taeyong’s father, while the son removes the cushions from the chairs and pulls out a bed. 

“You two wanna take this one, and I’ll crash on the couch?”

“You can just go to your own bed, you know. Besides, Mark’s out cold - I reckon it’s best to leave him like that.”

“I’ll stay with you. If anything happens, I’d rather just be here when it happens.”

“Alright, your loss. Could’ve had a good night’s sleep, but whatever.”

“I’ll grab some sheets from upstairs, if you wanna get him some water and turn him a lil bit.”

Taeyong bounces soundlessly up the staircase, and you make your way to the kitchen to fill three glasses of water. You set one on the table beside your brother, and push him slightly so he’s now sleeping on his side. You lift his head, and tuck a pillow underneath.

“You weren’t kidding, boy. Your head is super heavy.” You giggle to yourself, and at that moment Taeyong, changed into gym shorts and a tank top, two pillows, a folded sheet, and duvet in hand.

You reach for the sheet, and cover Mark with it, while Taeyong dumps the pillows and duvet onto the other couch. 

“You left a couple of things here; they’re in the bottom drawer. The purple toothbrush is from when you were last here, too.”

“Oh, great! I’ll be quick.”

You skip up the stairs two at a time, and enter Taeyong’s bedroom. You notice two major changes - one; the growth of movies on his shelving unit, which once held a large collection of figures from arcades he’d spent all summer winning when you were 16, and two; the framed pictures hanging on his wall. When you were younger, he’d had billions stuck up on the wall with bluetack, ripping and fading in the sunlight. Now, the room had a minimalistic feel, and this resonated with the decor. Three photos were hanging in frames above his chest of drawers, opposite the bed. The left hand frame holds a photo of his parents, both in their military uniform. His mom is smiling as she salutes, but his dad holds his hand to his cap with a stern glare; the same in all the photos you’d ever seen of him in uniform. On the right, a picture of him and his mom at graduation, both beaming. You’d been the one to take the picture, and his mom had wanted to take a stern photo first, but he’d tickled her side at the last moment and caused both of them to laugh hard. She had resigned the idea of a ‘serious’ photo, and that was when this second photo was taken. In the centre, Taeyong had the same photo framed that you held on to - you two, aged 8 or 9, ankle deep in a river. Taeyong’s front teeth were missing, and your knees were scraped, but you loved it. The fact it made it onto his clearly selective collection made your chest flutter. You changed into the t-shirt and PJ shorts you had stored here from the many other visits, and after brushing your teeth joined the two boys downstairs. 

Mark was now audibly snoring, and you rolled your eyes, before making your way to the bed. Taeyong was already stretched out under the covers, scrolling through his phone.

“We’ve gotta be up pretty early; his flight is at like, 10:30.”

“I’ll set an alarm for 7ish then.” Taeyong doesn’t look away from his screen, and you smile as you lay on your side to face him.

“That was more to give you a justifiable reason to go to your own bed and sleep properly.”

He puts his phone down, scrunch his eyes closed and fold his arms across his chest.

“Maybe if you’re so worried about how much sleep I get, you should stop talking.”

You scoff, and reach over to flick his nose, but a hand darts out to catch you.

“You’re gonna have to be quicker than that. I’m a military boy now, Y/N. Nothing gets past me.”

The hand is released, and he chuckles to himself. You scoot closer, and wrap an arm around his waist to hug him, and he puts an arm around your shoulder and squeezes to you him.

“Just don’t do anything stupid with all this army business, okay? I know it works out for most people, but I’ll be so mad at you if you get sent overseas and I never hear from you again.”

“It’s all good, Y/N. I’m only an office worker. What’s the worst that could possibly happen? All the computers in Syria need turning on and off at once?”

“Don’t joke.” You reposition, your head on his chest. “I feel like we’ve been pretty lucky in the grand scheme of it, but I don’t wanna be handed a folded flag and have to pretend that it makes up for you not being there.”

“I’ll do everything in my power to stick around, okay?” He kisses the top of your head, and you barely feel settled. “You heard much from Jaehyun lately?”

“He sends me a couple of messages a week - pictures of what he’s doing, people he’s meeting, food he’s eating. He looks like he’s already settled out there.”

“You still think it was a good idea to split?”

“Yeah. Well, most of the time. Sometimes I want to tell him I miss him, but that just seems selfish. Especially since I called it off, and now I’m the one going out and meeting new people and dating.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t feel how you do.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” You lean back to look up at him. “What about you? When are you gonna ask this girl from the gym out?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” He squirms a little, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. Growing up where you two had, he had always been told off for being ‘too emotional’, and now he was older he kept a lot of his thoughts and feelings bottled up. Less likely to cry, and a reputation for giving a ‘cold’ first impression, it took a little bit of effort to get him to talk about anything ‘real’.

“Okay, how’s this: you ask out your gym girl, and I’ll tell Jaehyun I miss him. Deal?”

“Alright. And you’ve gotta dump that Japanese guy too.”

“Yuta? Why?!”

“Because you said he only wants to sleep with you, and you clearly don’t want to sleep with him. It’s just boring for both of you.”

“Ugh, fine.” You roll off him, and check the time on your phone. 12.06am. “Right, now we really do need to sleep.”

“Works for me.”

“Good night, Taeyong.”

“Night, Y/N.”

-

He’d text you the week after you’d stayed over. Three sentences, six words:

‘ _ Did it. _ _   
_ _ Tomorrow, 7pm. _ _   
_ __ Your turn ;)’

You’d woken at his to the ringing of his alarm, his arm draped loosely around your waist, the covers tangled between your legs. After rising, waking the still-unconscious Mark up from his slumber, and changing back into your proper clothes, you grabbed a quick breakfast and chatted briefly with Ms Lee, before climbing into your car, and with Mark buckled in and laying down across the back seats, Taeyong waved you off from the door. You hadn’t expected much to come from any of it, but after your conversation, you realised how much you’d been suppressing your feelings for Jaehyun. Just because it had made sense, didn’t mean him leaving was easy. 

Quite the opposite, in fact.

What you hadn’t done, however, was break up with Yuta. In fact, you were supposed to be seeing him tonight. You still hadn’t slept with him, but he’d still invited you out on another date. Rida had rolled her eyes when you told her, but then again, tonight was when she intended to set her action plan into motion to get back together with her ex-boyfriend, so she really couldn’t be judging anyone for their choices. 

Now, you stare at messages informing you that Taeyong was due to go on another date with Wendy - the gym girl - at the weekend, and as you did so a notification on your phone popped up. Yuta was on his way, so you had roughly 20 minutes to get ready. Your hair was half-up-half-down, your face contoured, and the sweater you’d chosen was slipping slightly off one shoulder, which may not be practical for the colder weather, but neither was the bandage skirt you were wearing. 

A text summoned you down to the car, and from there you drove to an arcade with a pizza diner down the road. It was a little childish, but you had fond memories of doing the dance games and racing Taeyong on the motorbikes, so when you’d been told it was your turn to pick you felt this might cover your low student budget paired with your search for something easy-going and fun. You were in the middle of some back-to-back zombie-killing-extravaganza, with Yuta royally kicking your ass, when you got a text. 

You reached to check, but Yuta called to you:

“Don’t quit on me just because you’re losing!” Shooting a devilish grin over his fake gun to mock you, and instead, you stared straight ahead, focusing instead on him, and the enemy coming, and you. 

Taeyong was wrong to say you should break up with him - you two were having loads of fun. Sure, sometimes conversation would run a little dry when Yuta clearly had other things on his mind, and you’d be graced with a wandering hand or a soft pepper of kisses that made their way along your neck, your shoulder, your mouth. And maybe there was the issue of a few conflicting views - not to label him, but your opinions often came from a much more liberal standpoint than his. There was also the problem of an occasional culture barrier - while his English was phenomenal, there were times when you’d make reference to something from when you were younger, or he’d do the same, and there would be a nod along paired with an awkward laugh, and you’d swiftly move on. Whatsmore, despite the fact you were still 70% sure he was just dating you so he had a regular hook-up, there were times it felt as though he was WAY more invested in the ‘relationship’ than you; he would allude to upcoming weddings where a date would be required, birthday party ideas he might be planning for you, at one point he even seemed to be gesturing towards the idea of you two LIVING together. These comments were far and few, and there were as many of those as there were aloof comments referring to other girls he may or may not be dating, but the whole vibe made you a little uncomfortable. Rida would projectile vomit words of discontent whenever you mentioned these things:

“Is he trying to make you jealous?! What is the point? You’re already dating!”

“Maybe you should tell him to go take one of those OTHER girls to his uncle’s 50th since you apparently aren’t worth being his only option.”

“If you ditch me and Doyoung to go live with this temperamental train wreck, you can just delete my number now. I’ll give you back all the socks I’ve ever borrowed too.”

Despite this, the overall effect from time with Yuta felt positive - you wouldn’t come away feeling as though you’d wasted your time and had wished to be elsewhere, similarly, you wouldn’t be eagerly pining away for the next time he called. It wasn’t love, but why did it have to be? What was happening was comfortable for the most part, and that was enough for you right now.

The pair of you continued to make your way through the games - you beat him in 2 out of 3 rounds of Mario Kart, and you graciously accepted defeat when you played air hockey, after which he won enough tickets on pinball machine to get you each a glow-in-the-dark pen each. 

You walk out of the arcade, back to his car. Yuta’s hand snaking its way around your waist, and gently stroking your side with his thumb as you wait for the traffic lights to change colour to cross the street to the parking lot. It’s at that point your phone goes off again, and you remember that you even had a phone with you, let alone that you’d been getting messages all night.

Rida had sent snapchats from the wedding, including a couple of videos of her zooming in on a guy in a suit you can only assume is the infamous ex.  Your suspicions are confirmed when you see in a text a detailed account of their brief interactions, not that you felt now was the best time to read and help her analyse everything that was being said. Yuta held the door open for you, and as you sat and turned to close the door he leant in, one hand resting on the roof of his car and the other on the door as he kissed you. It was warm, and his lips still had the aftertaste of the $2 pizza slices you’d eaten earlier in the date. You left your phone on your lap as your hands made their way up to cup his face, a slight giggle escaping him as you gently graze his neck for a moment. He pulls away and lets you swing your legs into the car before shutting the door behind you. 

You turn back to your phone quickly, and that’s when you see the Instagram notification.

Jaehyun.

You had put him on notification while you were still together, and after you’d split you had debated taking him off, but truth be told you loved seeing his life out in Seoul. You were fascinated by what he was doing, and on days you were feeling particularly low and alone, you liked to imagine that you were with him out there. You had been the one to take the photo of him in his college radio room for the first time, you had gone to eat bulgogi with him after a late study date, he had taken a photo of the flowers in the market by his apartment because they reminded him of you.

You opened the notification, and your stomach turns.

She’s smiling past the camera, at the guy taking the photo. The guy that probably paid for the milkshake she’s drinking, her chin resting on one hand as her long dark hair falls in soft curls. The guy that has been removed from your life for 4 months, 22 days, and about 3 hours. 

The guy that had finally moved on.

You feel your chest tighten, and as Yuta fastens his seatbelt you quickly close the tab and stash your phone in your bag. Yuta’s hand sits on your thigh the whole drive back to yours, the feeling warm against your thin tights. You bite your lip, and try as you might the image of that girl will not leave your head. You had been the one to say ‘let’s split’, but in your head you two were definitely going to find each other again. You had expected him to return in summer, realise he had been missing you all this time, and you two could try again. Sure, it wasn’t realistic, and completely against your usual pragmatic nature, but this was Jaehyun, for crying out loud. The guy that had held your hair when you thought you were gonna vomit on the roundabout, the guy that had thrown you over his shoulder and launched you into the community pool on hot summer days, the guy that...was gone.

You pull up in front of your accommodation and look over to Yuta. He leans over the console, and you struggle to hold back the hunger that has taken over you. Normally, this was the time you’d be nudging him away, coming up with excuses he couldn’t come inside. But tonight, with an empty dorm room and a sudden burst of loneliness bubbling its way into through system, and you pull away momentarily to lean over and turn off the ignition of his car. He looks at you with a dark look, longing but not quite believing, and you return the gaze as you open the door behind you and stare him out as you exit, daring him to follow you.

Jaehyun was gone, but you still had someone right here, in front of you now. If he could move on, maybe it was time to stop kidding yourself, and take the steps needed so you could too.


End file.
